Disordered Eating History - Pt 2

TW: Weight loss/gain, restriction

If you haven’t already, you can read part one here.

I think my number one fear for most of my college years was weight gain. It was constantly on my mind, but I was no longer practicing unhealthy ways to combat it. The gain was inevitable. I was still dancing for recreation, participating on my college campus and teaching classes back home, but the shame in my weight gain definitely prevented me from enjoying it fully. I was plagued by constant anxiety and dread that I couldn’t shake.

Upon graduation, I tried crash diets and would lose a few pounds, then gain it right back. My undergraduate degree is in psychology, so I understood the psychology of dieting, but my obsession with my body and weight didn’t disappear. I ended up declining my space in my anticipated grad program and applying for a Master of Science in Nutrition Education. I still find it difficult to fully explain the motivations behind choosing nutrition for a profession when I so clearly had problems with my own.

Selfishly, I think that part of me felt that learning about nutrition would unveil some magic key that would show me all of the things I would need to know about weight loss. In reality, it revealed all of the ways I had done major harm to by body. Through education and medical testing I learned that I have lasting, if not permanent, damage to my metabolism through restriction of calories during my teen years. I learned how much better I feel, how much better I perform and teach and how much happier I can be while fueling my body. At 25, I thought I finally figured it out.

Then I relapsed.

I fell for a 6 week weight loss challenge ad from a local gym. I had been feeling really great about the way I was eating, and I felt like enough time had passed and that I was stable enough to try to lose weight without taking things too far. We received our instructions for the challenge- follow the food guide, train with their trainers, and post to Facebook for advertising. I genuinely felt that I was “strong” enough to fight my demons and complete this challenge successfully.

The first week, I realized that the meal plan had me consuming more calories per day than I was accustomed. I was consuming far more protein than usual, but it made me really nervous that I wouldn’t be able to complete the challenge, so I cut some corners.

The second week included working out twice as much as they recommended, while continuing to eliminate more food.

The third week included two days of fasting, followed by less than 900kcals per day for the following five days.

By the end of the fourth week, my only thoughts were about food, calories, and working out. I had consumed less food during the week than what they recommended for one day. I had lost 22lbs.

Meanwhile, I had been posting on Facebook that I was going to the gym and doing this challenge, and I was getting SO MUCH positive feedback. People online were telling me to keep up the good work. I returned to my dance classes after our summer vacation and was praised for losing the weight and looking “so much better.” I pretended like everything was great, that I had things under control, that this was purposeful and that I wasn’t spiraling into old habits. I had everyone fooled, and the sick part of me loved that I had this secret. I LOVED that I was disappearing, and nearly everyone in my life was proud of me for it.

There is an odd disconnect between the glamorized versions of eating disorders versus their reality in our society. Too often we visualize and characterize eating disorders through one particular image of the young waif-like bodies with jutting bones and sunken cheeks. The harsh reality is that this generalization is preventing many individuals from getting treatment they need to recover. That’s the crazy part about being overweight with an eating disorder. When a skinny person has an eating disorder and loses weight, they are commiserated. When a fat person has an eating disorder and loses weight, they are glorified. People never assume that you could possibly need help, so you’re left to either figure it out on your own, or continuing on and getting “sick enough” for someone to take you seriously.

One Registered Dietician (@elainaefird) took to social media to try to educate the masses about the dangers of eating disorders. In just one particular case, she outlined the details of a client with what she labeled as having a severe eating disorder with a “healthy” weight. She explained how negatively her metabolic rate was impacted, and her body was breaking down proteins (muscle, collagen and connective tissue) at a 27.4% higher rate than normal. She continues to explain that this individual was overlooked for care due to her normal BMI, despite the recommendation for high level of care from an RD.

After over a decade of struggle, I am finally seeking treatment. Before this, I never sought treatment for my disordered habits, because I was never “sick enough” in my eyes… I wanted to save the recovery space for someone who was “really” sick. That is why I didn’t ask for help. I knew that I didn’t look like I had a problem. Thankfully I dropped out of the weight loss challenge after that fourth week so that I wouldn’t spiral out of control, but if I am being honest, I am still struggling more now (one year later) than I was before I tried to lose weight.

I am here to tell you that no matter your size, age, color, ability, etc… you deserve recovery. You deserve the help. I believe you. I believe me.

Resources:

Eating Disorder Resource List: Eating Disorder Hope

National Eating Disorder Association Helpline