When Body Positivity Feels Toxic
Picture it: Spring 2017- Sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky, and it’s a lovely 74 degrees outside. I’m fresh out of Grad school and a toxic relationship. I’m scrolling through my instagram discover page, where I find my first body positive account. I get lost in the hashtag and I never want to look back.
Fast forward to 2020, and I know now that the journey to self love and body positivity is not what it seems. It is not just a matter of waking up and saying, “Hello there, gorgeous!” or “Look at that beautiful tummy!” and going about your day.
It turns out that if your internal narrative has been negative for your entire life, you can’t just wake up one day and decide that you love your body. The process of working toward body positivity isn’t easy, and for me it was, at times, incredibly painful.
There were times in my journey when body positivity felt just as toxic as body shaming.
Body shaming was ingrained in my mind since I was about 8 years old. My inner monologue genuinely believed all of the awful things that I would say to myself. On some days, the affirmations that I was using made me feel great, but more often than not I would end up feeling guilty. But why guilt?
Well, I was lying to myself. More often than not, I didn’t believe the new narrative I was convinced I needed and looking in the mirror and lying to myself just created more anxiety about my body. It’s almost as if my brain actively rejected the affirmations, and all that I was left with was dissonance and a sense of guilt that I couldn’t get this right.
Even worse? The obsession. Every moment was filled with conflicting feelings toward my body. Whether I was trying to fend off negative feelings or trying to drown out my inner meanness with kindness, it was still always ALL ABOUT MY BODY. All of the things I was looking to get away from was around me at all times, and I was dedicating so much of my energy to “positivity” that I didn’t have energy for much else. To be successful, I had to shift my focus entirely.
Some days were simply about BEING, and I began to find worth in things that were completely separate from how I look.
I have since learned that what I was practicing is “body neutrality.” I did my best to not think about my body throughout the day, and if I did, I flipped the script; I shifted the thought from “looks” to “action.” For example, if I found myself thinking my thighs were too big, I would make a conscious effort to pause and say, “my thighs carry me as I move.” I found that it was so much easier for my brain to accept something that was a simple truth rather than forcing myself to lie. This helped me to slowly change the narrative from negative to neutral- a gentle acceptance of facts about my body.
Acceptance of my body feels a lot different than forcing myself to love it. Letting go of this ideal state of being has given my brain a much needed break from the CONSTANT cyclical battle of hating myself because I hated my body. It has left space for professional and personal growth, and more importantly, so much joy. I now find joy in giving great hugs and feeling powerful when I dance and being a great friend- because my body is no longer a primary thought.
In many ways, I am still NOT body positive. I hope to get there some day, but instead of pressuring myself to be positive, I give myself permission to just be.
When I was first learning about body positivity, I was so enamored. I quickly fell for the picture perfect instagram photos of people of all shapes, colors, and sizes with smiles plastered on their faces. But it is not ALWAYS positive- that’s just not realistic. So if body positivity is making you feel anything BUT, remember that the goal isn’t guilt, and you’re doing great.
